i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
