my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
