The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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