Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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