He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
