I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
