I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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