Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
