whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
