I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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