I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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