Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
