i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
