I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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