It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
