I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
