I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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