I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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