i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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