I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
