Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize