I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
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