just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
