every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
the raccoons are back...
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