i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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