Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
