no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
