i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
