I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
