Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
