I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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