I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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