Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
