Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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