I wish I could teleport
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
