I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
