drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
