it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Sorry about my life...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
