you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I need help removing her.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
