OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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