i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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