my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
