I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
