she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
