He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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