My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
