I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
