I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
