I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
