Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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