Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I am full of burrito and curiosity
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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