Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
