My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
