I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
