I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
