saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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