Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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