census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
