I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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