uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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